(Originally written on January 8, 2009)
So, we went to another appointment where biopsy results confirmed what we believed in our hearts anyway. Yes,the lung cancer has metastasized to your neck. No, operating is not an option. Stage 4 inoperable, incurable lung cancer. We ask a lot of questions we know we won’t get answers to, shake the doctor’s hand and check out of the doctor’s office.
We go home, change into comfy clothes, make some phone calls, eat pizza and watch the news. Yes, totally “normal” things. I am struck by the fact that none of us is crying. We didn’t really say much in the car, but it wasn’t a tension or emotion-filled car either. My mom changes into some sweat pants a sweatshirt my boyfriend from high school had given to me. I hadn’t seen that thing in years and why she had it…and how and why she remembered it was from my ex-boyfriend is beyond me. I sure didn’t remember. But, that’s what she put on.
This second go-around of bad news, I was actually waiting to see what she decided to wear after this appointment. You see, after the appointment several months ago where we were told her lung cancer was inoperable and incurable, when we came home, she came out of her bedroom wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers t-shirt. I was on the phone delivering the bad news to friends and relatives when I noticed her clothes. My mind raced a thousand thoughts per second. “What in the heck is my mom doing wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers shirt? She was just given a death sentence and she’s wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers t-shirt?”
Secondly, “Why does my mom even have a Pittsburgh Steelers shirt? Did I miss something? I know she’s not a big fan of the Steelers, I wonder how and where she got that shirt?” I remember asking myself, “Well, what the heck is she supposed to wear, an “I just found out I have terminal cancer” t-shirt? Oh, of course, that t-shirt is just sitting on a shelf right there in the closet waiting for her to pick up and wear just at the right time. What was I thinking?
I later realized why this whole shirt thing struck me so. It was just so normal. It was so real, so random on a day that was completely surreal and not random at all. Fate is not random. It is not coincidental.We need more doses of normalcy, not necessary reality, when we are faced with the unimaginable.
My husband has ALWAYS been a Steelers fan.You can bet I am now too.
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